Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I just got off the phone with my mom. the Cancer is now in my dad's scull. He is having such bad headaches they don't know what to do. My mom is scared. My dad is scared. We are all scared. I don't know if scared is the right word. Helpless, out of control, heartbroken, angry. I don't know which best describes this awful feeling. It is such an awful feeling. Cancer is such an awful thing. The pain of it all is overwhelming. trials bring growth, but does growth need to hurt so bad? I suppose it does. Well I don't like it and I won't pretend I do. It is awful to see my dad in pain. He is my dad and I love him so much. He is a great dad and a great grandpa. He plays the saxaphone and ran countless marathons. He waltzes with Olivia just like he used to dance with me. He is charming and strong and now he is crippled with pain. I wish so bad I could take it all away, but there is only one who can do that I suppose and I know he will in time. I know deep down that everyting will be made right in the end. There is purpose to this life and there is purpose to pain and there is purpose in pleading and begging and praying. I know all of this. Now if I can just live what I know. It will all be okay.

6 comments:

Michelle said...

Deb, I'm so sorry! Speaking from experience, it's incredibly difficult to lose a parent but I can't imagine having to watch them suffer. It's not fair and I hate the "growing" process too, sometimes I think I'd rather not grow and just be able to coast along in life and have it be easy. Love you!

Jenn said...

I'm so sorry Deb. When I found out my dad had brain cancer I felt all those emotions too-- I sometimes still do. I need to have faith as strong as he does to be able to "live what I know."

Sharon Wagoner said...

I'm sorry your dad and your family are suffering! We are loosing my brother right now to cancer too. It's hard and painful. But know that the Lord takes care of us! Our home has truly become a sacred place with the veil so close. I wish you strength and peace to know that. I'm sending you a BIG HUG and lots of Love!

sara2delta said...

im so so so sorry for this diz. it makes me sick to think about it really. if this was my mom going through this i would be OUT. OF. MY. MIND. you are strong and your dad will go to a better, pain-free place! i love you! let me know if you need anything!

hi, i'm brooke! said...

My heart goes out to you, in the deepest way. Cancer is not something you want to see a loved one have, or anyone for that matter. My prayers are with you. xoxo to you and your family Deb!

Olivia said...

I've been thinking about you! Love you!